1, an iPod

1a, an iTunes account

2, an iPhone

3, a plasma TV

4, an LCD TV with a screen bigger than 26"

5, a Chelsea tractor of any brand, size or description

6, anything  from Rupert Murdoch

7, Duchy Originals oatcakes

8, a mobile phone contract

9, a Blu Ray DVD player

10, a Twitter account

11, anything endorsed by a, Jamie Oliver; b, a sports "personality"; c, any member current, future or past of a, The Spice Girls b, Girls Aloud.

12, Windows 7

13, Heinz Tomato Ketchup

14, Starbucks. So expensive, bland and culturally pointless that they've started trying to hide their own existence.

15, a Wii Fit. If you've got one of these I suspect you're likely to be anything other than fit... Also, see no. 11.

16, a lottery ticket. It won't be you. (And if it was you'd probably end up regretting it.)

17, a five-bladed razor with a battery in the handle. Why? (I know the same company owns the razor blade and the battery companies, but puhlease...) Also, see no. 11.

18, Diet Coke, or diet anything for that matter, (unless you're going to use it for an experiment.)

19, hydrogenated vegetable oil

20, "probiotic" yoghurt in silly little pots. If you think live yoghurt is good for you, buy a big tub of Greek yoghurt and eat it slowly.

21, lycra. It doesn't make you go faster. You just think it does.

22, an AGA. (Unless you can afford a fuel bill the size of a mortgage). Contrary to popular opinion no more cuddly than a Chelsea tractor.

23, another Johnnie Boden catalogue. We seem to get about five a month. Surely two a year would be enough, and one of those should be the "sale" one.

24, 3D TV. 2Ds of it are usually bad enough. Call it Baird's law: the more technically sophisticated the channel, the more culturally brain-dead the content.

25, "Russian" vodka that's not made in Russia

26, "Sports" drinks. See also no. 11, see also no. 18 and probably see also no. 15.

27, teabags, aka floor sweepings in tissue paper. (Get yourself a teapot with a strainer in it and some loose leaf tea. It's delicious).

28, a Burberry mac. Now about as British as Genghis Khan.

29, a Dyson vacuum cleaner. Very expensive despite being made in Malaysia. Buy a Numatic Henry from Chard in Somerset instead.

30, a Toyota Prius. Less fuel-efficient than a small diesel and a lot more expensive.

31, a battery-operated salt or pepper mill.

32, Google. Try Duckduckgo instead. Victor Keegan in the Guardian also suggests some other alternatives:

http://www.guardian.co.uk/technology/2009/nov/11/searching-beyond-google

33, a Kraft Foods Creme Egg (or anything else from Kraft Foods for that matter)

34, an iPad / iPant 

35, a Kindle. I'd rather wait till an e-book reader costs less than £50 and not have one controlled by Amazon. But in any case better get your paper copy of Fahrenheit 451 sooner rather than later.

36, huskies. Unless you live in the Arctic Circle.

37, Krispy Kreme donuts. If you want to get fat, what's wrong with a Chelsea bun? (And yes, I do know the correct spelling is doughnut. I got laughed at the other day for pronouncing the name as Crispy Crème.)

38, a Susan Boyle CD. Though unfortunately too late for some...

39, a Tesco (or Walmart-Asda) price cut.

40, packaging, various.

41, a tattoo involving any of number 11

42, Atomkraft. As the Germans (but not, I take it, Siemens, RWE and E-On) used to say: "Nein Danke".

43, Edurants. Remember those? They seem to be dark green in colour now, for some reason.

44, tuition fees. In the olden days (before the advent of Zanu Labor for anyone too young to remember) students didn't have to worry about taking on crushing debt till they were about thirty. Not that free tertiary education would have survived for long on Maggie's farm either.

45, vitamin pills. See also no. 10. What's wrong with an apple and some sardines on toast?

46, a Bloom Box. It's not magic, it's gas.

47, a Nespresso coffee machine. Have these people never heard of spoons?